Welcome to Haiku Review, a feature where we review gear and gadgets using the Japanese poetry form.

Something’s been hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles: and it’s called the Doogee S95 Pro. Sit, rest, and let me tell you the tale of my failure.

Earlier in the year I was sent the Doogee S95 Pro — a rugged phone — to review. And, like a fool, I left it in the office during the first lockdown.

When things finally loosened up and we were allowed back into our workspaces, that coincided with a deluge of new phones hitting the market. So although I’d grabbed the Doogee S95 Pro, it lay in my study, forgotten.

I did plan on reviewing it properly. I picked it up, played with it, but then something happened: the company released its updated model, the Doogee S96 Pro .

Truly, cruel fate, you’ve given me no quarter.

This is a shame, because the Doogee S95 Pro is a solid device for the clumsy or outdoors types. It feels indestructible, the camera’s better than I thought it’d be, and it has a big old battery (5,150mAh) that lasts an age.

Would I recommend it for the person casually walking around the city? Nope. But maybe if you’re always breaking phones, have a job that involves lots of manual labor, or are constantly in the elements, the Doogee S range could be a decent pick.

Anyhow — I needed to atone for my mistakes. I racked my brain, paced the flat, meditated on a mountain top — and the answer was so obvious it hurt. I had to write a haiku about the Doogee S95 Pro.

So here it is:

Hard as coffin nails,

And just as pretty — it may

Take your lunch money.

I’ll sit here and wait for my Pulitzer.

Anyway, because I feel really bad about my incompetence, here’s another haiku about that:

“I’m not mad I’m just

Disappointed,” you say. I

Respond: “Me too, bro.”

Come back next time for more tales of my failures.